I love New Orleans! I hope they can find a solution. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. I dont understand giving up agency as an adult just because I got married. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. Yeah, Vegas is like Disneyland now. Overnight somewhere then do the same thing the next day. This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. Yall need some marriage counseling. And hiking! Me doing anything outside of our normal routine puts an additional child care burden on her, and vice versa. And plenty of men there without their wives. I suppose, trying to be as charitable as possible, I would agree that Vegas has kind of a skeezy reputation and I would prefer a reputable company to do the trip somewhere more wholesome. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. Exactly. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. I have been to Vegas twice (both in the same calendar year), once with my wife when she was attending a conference (hobby, not work related) and the second time with my (at the time) elementary school aged daughter. Its one of my spa vacation destinations. Entertainment loves to show affairs starting in the office, people lying about business trips when they have a whole nother family, etc. I have no problem with him going to week-long management training or long weekends away for bachelor parties. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. To expand a little bit on what Anita and others above have posited: Regardless of whether this is solely an artifact of having absorbed toxic masculinity, or an anxiety/perseverative/compulsive thoughts issue, or some combination thereof, my experience has been that successful treatment of such issues will likely involve at least some behavior change on the part of the OP, and the OP stands to gain a lot of helpful personal skills by being an active participant (as appropriate) in whatever mix of interpersonal, couples, or cognitive behavioral therapy that they find. Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. There are broadly different American subcultures because there are just so many people. Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? July 3 2022. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationwhere is ryan blankenship today. I dont gamble much. Youre working 10 to 12 hours a day on the show floor or out at dinners with vendors and clients. There were plenty of women there without their husbands. Worrying about cheating, sex, drugs, and rock n roll, is worrying about what I will do. Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. Good luck and please update us! I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. I didnt hear that there were kids. Take the same approach; its a problem affecting you both that you both want to fix. And I dont know whether I asked permission, exactly, to plan some activities on my own this weekend to decompress from a week of solo child care, but I did run it by her she was of course supportive, but sometimes with this kind of planning there are scheduling issues we have to work out. I agree. should I tell my coworker about our colleagues criminal record, I deeply regret joining my companys leadership program, and more, my company is cutting my overworked teams pay as punishment for mistakes. Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. Same here. And hes trying to sabotage your livelihood with his nonsense? You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. Its not bad practice to not accept food or drink from strangers, or let your drink out of your sight at a bar, but Id worry about those things much less in Las Vegas than in a local bar. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. Both of us have traveled the world for pleasure and business in the 15 years. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. Yes, this. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot. If you stay around the main touristy areas especially on the Strip there is security EVERYWHERE. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. We stayed at the Excalibur (the kids LOVED staying in a castle, saw the jousting show, the MGM Lions, the aquarium at Mandalay Bay, and we also took them to play games at Circus Circus. Long-term meds may not be right, and often take time to work out, but theres several near-instant calming agents available and they could be the best place to start if the Vegas trip is coming up soon. There are times when I feel safer in Vegas than I do my own city. but it was the backbone of learning to manage anxiety. Is this the only thing he gets so on-edge about? Things to consider!! Indifference. Its absolutely true, and she gets so. Security at casinos is greater than that at Fort Knox. Yeah Im kind of surprised people are acting like theyve never heard anything bad about Vegas. Im not superstitious, so I was aware that it was completely bogus that my fears concentrated on that fact, but they nonetheless did. I wear a light, carry a phone, and stay in my neighborhood where I know whats normal and whats not til the sun goes up. Hmm. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. It makes me uneasy and I dont want to let her go. You can drink and dance and play roulette in 43 of the 50 states. From my experience with family members with these issues, I needed to learn how to help create a healing environment at home. I just point out that theres more crime in her trailer park, and she gets huffy about it. It totally IS. One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. Agree counseling would be a good place to start. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. This is WAAAY different than not having a closed door meeting with a member of the opposite sex, though. Though those are also the traditional bogeymen for women out on their own, as evidenced by the many people talking about their mothers fears. Couples counselling isnt about sharing blame as it is figuring out problems in the relationship and working together to find solutions. I have informed him and he hasnt taken it very well. That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. Ill be finding myself an apartment when I get back from Vegas. Why he wants to go alone. It doesnt sound as though shes given him any reason to be so insecure. Hope youre all right, OP. I absolutely dread this. Ive had several week-long business trips in CA the last few years and its a non-event. It will improve not only this small piece of your relationship, but his whole life. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . But, OP, please take a hard look at your husband and his normal conduct. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. Ideally, you and your husband would support each other in your careers, not have babyish meltdowns. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). It made no sense. And thats Congo. It seems infinitely more likely that what they actually said was yeah man, that sucks, I dont know why she wouldve broken up with you as sympathy and he took it that way, but either way, you dont date by committee! Its been a while, but the last time I went to Vegas, we went to a Cirque du Soleil show, did a lot of shoe shopping, and took a drive out to the hoover dam (and took a cool tour). Whether he is abusive, controlling, insecure, or driven by unmanageable anxiety we dont know. ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. Its like some people dont realize that it takes two people to have a relationship. She is doing the heavy lifting in supporting the family and yet he wants to control and damage her control. The letter writers last trip was in February and the manager from the other thread wrote to Alison in the beginning of March, which would be right after she got back from this Vegas trip and told her boss she would no longer travel. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. What the hell? My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. Honestly, it feels awful. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. My husband never wants to go out and do things. I have to beg - Quora At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. Untreated anxiety is a meat grinder to relationships. If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. Im not diagnosing at all. I'm lucky that she slept for most of the trip, but you can't assume that a 3 month old will sleep for 14 hours. OP, go on your trip, focus on what youre there to do, and for those couple days at least, dont worry about how your husband is feeling about it. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. It was BAD. Its really hard for people to disagree with their buddies in ways harsher than well, I dont know about THAT, but I can see where youre coming from., I can very easily see him going would YOU let your wife go on some so-called business trip with her sleazy coworkers to Vegas?? You go on trips, no one lets you go. And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. EhIm not calling a mans insecurities abuse. For the OP, this is a marriage problem. Sorry if I didnt tie that up explicitly enough. Maybe this is anxiety and maybe it isnt not every illogical or inappropriate behavior is mental illness but mental illness is never an excuse to be controlling or abusive. Best of luck to you, LW. Im not even sure how I would react to that. This is a bigger picture problem, and I hope you are able to work it out. And the concerns mentioned about What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, sin city, dramatic kidnapping scenarios, etc. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) (Gendering the partners here solely for the purpose of clarity and conciseness. Statistically, the most dangerous part of this trip is the car drive to the airport. (Anxiety twists everything; try not to fuel the fire.) It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. Theyre both controlled, predictable corporate environments that can provide controlled, predictable hospitality services, often at a price affordable enough to attract business conferences. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. who believe the TV/movie depictions of the city and sort of forget that there are people who live there and work there, going about their everyday lives. You can get really great meals there. This makes me MAD. I think its one of the things that makes our relationship so strong. Its hot and windy and dry and sand gets every where. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. I came home to find my SO sitting on a bench, pissed and worried thought I should have called. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! Much better is Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that?. So your husband just told you he wants to go away for Labor Day. Even if it is a general anxiety issue, speaking as someone with plenty of personal experience with that, theres still a relationship issue here. Sure there used to be a lot of strip joints, etc., but now the most naked people are in the Cirque shows, and they just look naked. Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! Not everything is anxiety and depression, AAM commentariat. Also, if youre like me and my Mother, your emotional reactions could spiral his emotions up, until youre making each other worse. If he gets therapy and can get his anxiety and toxic masculinity under control, that would be one thing. I have the same problem and have since I was a child. Read: how could he know I was where I said I was? Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. There are tons of families and people who live in Vegas or visit Vegas and do pretty normal things. Pricey, but worth it! I said this above, but I read this phrase as his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. walk. Who was the genius with the idea to build a tourist trap in a desert? You can easily avoid all the sinful things to do in Vegas, if you want to. This is about control. I think some boundaries are needed here. If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. I played Princess Bride slots for 45 minutes. People dont completely change upon touchdown in Vegas. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. Everyone agrees with me and thinks youre unreasonable and crazy. simple path graph example; tahoe blue vodka costco; emt patient assessment cheat sheet pdf Alternar men. We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for the night along the way. He never once demanded I not go, or made me miserable the whole length of my trip, just because hed be less anxious if I was home. Boundaries we a serious convo. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. Thank you for sharing your story withus this iswhat weve come upwith: How would you react ifyou were inMayas shoes? ), and Im excited to stay at Mandalay Bay because they have an aquarium. You would have to go out of your way to find a casino, a lavish bar with topless entertainment, or an escort service. I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. There are tons of huge conferences that take place there all the time. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. My own partner has no issue with me going out of state for geek conventions a couple times a year, with people Ive known longer than him, sometimes sharing mixed-gender rooms. She should get out while she can, even if she has children. 6. Wilberforce agrees with meeee!. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. If youre seeing these things and thinking anything like I cant say that, he would freak outmarriage counseling, please. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. It is a diverse and lively neighborhood with fantastic food choices and interesting shops. When I lived in Tokyo, articles would occasionally pop up in the U.S. media describing a particular neighborhood as an adult playground where foreigners fell victim to crimes, and well-meaning relatives would forward them to me with a warning to stay away from here, LOL.. This is actually a place where marriage counseling can be extremely useful. -OPs husband, probably. rarely cede ground. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. To the letter writer, if your husband walked into a therapists office with Anonymous Posters comment and said, Thats what I want, the therapist would either be able to teach him that skill or refer him to someone who can. There were also a TGI Fridays, a Hard Rock Cafe and a Coldstone Creamery. To give the LW the tools she needs to see if this is something she can work through to save her marriage and save her career. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. Well, thank heaven theyre not all drug dealers too. I probably filled up that Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom with $100 worth of water during my stay. Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. It seems like almost everyone is misreading this update. Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. Everyone thinks youre wrong.. The Sin City stuff is absolutely the product of creating a specific image through decades of marketing, not necessarily a real reflection of what its like. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. People in my family are prone to anxiety disorders manifesting themselves in this way (including me, yay! Im just going to drop in some ideas and some strategies that have worked for me. I go on frequent trips completely by myself, or with girlfriends, and he is not at all jealous/controlling (he doesnt love travel like I do which is why hes not going with, suits us fine). I dont know any sex workers and it certainly would not be for me, but Im not going to clutch my pearls and start labeling other people,s choices as unwholesome and I have a big eye roll for people who do. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. The tipping point came when he suggested I find my boss a girlfriend you know, so Boss wouldnt be tempted to hit on me. There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. I won money on a work trip to Vegas - do I have to donate it to my employer? I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. Same! If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. Youre adults. He got anxious when I went to San Diego only because it was near the Mexican border, but gee whiz. Yeah, this seems so over the top Im having trouble thinking its just about relationship issues. I really hope it does lead to the OP getting help. Since I took the position five years ago, they have sent management on a three-day business trip each year. I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. If a person hasnt had much of a chance (or desire) to go to different places, your impression of them is far different than the reality. He could use some time and a space where he could work through these anxieties with a therapist who could help him think of ways to handle them better. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. We did a family vacation to Vegas about six years ago (were about a 4-5 hour drive away). When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. And when she called home she was mean to me and I noticed she fixed her hair differently and she looked very happy. Hes been working through them and he was much better during my last work trip. And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. assigning women extra work to help them, calling out when youre in the ER, and more. Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. When I go Im all about getting to as many different and awesome restaurants as humanly possible, and sitting by a pool with a book, when some of my friends go its about the nightlife, when my husband goes its about the sportsbook (this was my long way of saying that I agree with you). Just on the wholesomeness scale, it tries way harder to be cool older brother than, say, Omaha or Iowa City. (And I love it when he goes on trips: he likes traveling.) Your stops will be longer because you'll have to take the baby out of the carseat for a little bit. Shes very, very conservative Christian, as is her husband. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. And lets not forget: its entirely possible for someone to dabble in being a controlling, selfish jerk without really rising to the level of abuse or being an abuser. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. July 1, 2022 Posted by clients prepaid financial services derbyshire; 01 . For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. Theres no scenario that she cant find a worry for. If he balks or outright refuses, then that might be a signal that theyre in abusive territory and LW should consider solo counseling to decide how best to handle it. I agree. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. I sometimes know and I often dont. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). I agree. Just in case. Sorry, Im a nope here. For example, phone #: 123-333-4567. Its a him issue. Since frankly the marriage is not healthy do not risk your career, which you need, for him. We can take care of ourselves. Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. We look out for each other. I agree. His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. In that couples case, I believe the wife was worried about being left alone at home, so the husband invited the wife to come with him on his trip, and at first she was planning to join him, but then her anxiety subsided and she decided to stay home and get together with friends in the hometown instead. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. He asks that I check in with him once or twice a day for hi-and-I-love-you. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. Honestly, given his insistence that your company is basically trying to ruin your marriage by sending you on a business trip and the tenor of the conversations hes had with others about allowing you to do your damn job, my gut screams traditionalist underachieving man threatened by successful wife. And in the second place, theres definitely nothing that conflicts with the fact that surveying ones friends is not a great way to navigate ones marriage. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. Ah, sorry, didnt say they were the only two choices! Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months.
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